i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
