Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
it was like eating out sand paper
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
