Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Randomize
