Your mouth is God's brothel.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
