I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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