My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
