it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
