so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
