How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
