worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
