You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
