You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
