her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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