Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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