new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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