I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
