Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
