i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
