I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
