my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
