made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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