bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
