dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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