Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
