I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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