i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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