I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Liz is crying about burritos again.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
