I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
