This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
