Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's blow job season.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
