Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
