he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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