Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
