my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
