He told me they were just razor bumps!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
