Tell her she can't have a vagina
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
