all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
