im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
