Umm I'm too high to move.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
