I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
