i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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