I hope my margaritas pass through security.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
