I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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