On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
