They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
