im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
