I wish my penis had an off switch
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
