I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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