my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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