My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
