so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
